WHO WANTS TO MARRY AN ASTRONAUT?

© 2000 Surfin' Chili


CAST:

ANNOUNCER (Rob) -- The voice from offstage.

PAT MCGROIN (Gabe) -- The host.

BUD LIGHTBEER (Tim) -- The groom. Bud is an ASCAN who just reported to JSC last summer.

ANITA MARGARITA (Sally) -- The first finalist. ANITA and her mother had defected to the U.S. from Cuba when she was a child. Sadly, her mother had drowned along the way, leaving ANITA to be raised by relatives in Miami.

POLLY NOMIAL (Steph) -- The second finalist. Polly is a mathematician who was recently commissioned by NASA to investigate the feasibility of converting English units into metric units.

THREE COMMANDOS (Chip, Jeff, Preston) -- They raid the show, seize ANITA MARGARITA, and take her away to be reunited with her father.

MISS CONCEPTION (Robin) -- The write-in contestant who actually wins the contest. Sheís a pregnant, barefoot hag.

STAGE HANDS (Amy, Roje) -- People in the background who hold up the various sign.


ANNOUNCER (from offstage):

The SURFINí CHILI NETWORK -- celebrating 10 years of sun, surf, and sensational chili -- proudly presents Americaís hottest new game show -- Who Wants To Marry An Astronaut? -- where beautiful women from around the globe are given the chance to become the blushing bride of one of Americaís astronauts!!

An APPLAUSE sign is held up.

And now ... here is your host ... PAT MCGROIN!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter PAT MCGROIN, who takes center stage.

PAT MCGROIN:
Thank you! Thank you all! And welcome to Who Wants to Marry An Astronaut?

After a week of intense competition, our distinguished panel of judges is ready to announce the two finalists! But before we name the two lucky ladies, letís take a moment to meet the star of our show .... the handsome groom himself!! Ladies and gentlemen, letís hear it for Astronaut BUD LIGHTBEER!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter BUD LIGHTBEER, wearing his blue jump suit. He waves and smiles to the crowd as he steps up to PAT MCGROIN. The two shake hands.

PAT MCGROIN:
You know, Bud ... if I were in your shoes, about to meet the woman Iím going to marry for the first time in front of a nationwide TV audience, Iíd be a nervous wreck!! But you seem to be taking all of this in stride.

BUD LIGHTBEER:
Oui, oui! I am not afraid! But let me say, Pat, that Iím very excited to be here. Itís not everyday that you meet a woman and then marry her the same day ... and, as you said, all on national TV!

PAT MCGROIN:
Indeed! Now, Bud ... why donít you tell us a little about yourself? I sure there are many people out there (not to mention our contestants backstage) who are dying to know something about you!

BUD LIGHTBEER:
(As BUD LIGHTBEER speaks, thought balloons are held up over his head, revealing what he is really thinking.)

Well, Pat ... I started here at JSC last year. Needless to say, Iím really looking forward to the day when I get a chance to fly in outer space. [BALLOON: "Do I look hot, or what?"]

In the meantime, Iím learning everything there is to know about the International Space Station. [BALLOON: "Ha! Like itíll ever be built!"]

But let me say above all ... Iím excited to be here, and Iím proud to be part of the program! [BALLOON: "Think theyíre buying this stuff!?!"]

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
Well, thatís pretty amazing, isnít it folks? Letís give Bud a hand!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up.

PAT MCGROIN (to BUD LIGHTBEER)):
So, Bud ... what do you say we find you a wife?

BUD LIGHTBEER:
Sounds great, Pat!

PAT MCGROIN:
Okay then! Why donít you head on backstage ....

PAT MCGROIN motions to BUD LIGHTBEER, who walks offstage. A stage hand gives PAT an envelope.

PAT MCGROIN (to audience, holding up the envelope):
Now, ladies and gentlemen, inside this envelope are the names of our two finalists.

(opens envelope and reads card inside)

Our first finalist .... Miss ANITA MARGARITA!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter ANITA MARGARITA, carrying a bouquet of flowers. She smiles and waves to the audience as she takes her place next to PAT MCGROIN.

PAT MCGROIN (again reading from card):
And our second finalist ... Miss POLLY NOMIAL!!

Again the APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter POLLY NOMIAL, also carrying a bouquet of flowers. She also smiles and waves at the audience as she takes her place next to ANITA MARGARITA.

PAT MCGROIN (to the finalists):
Congratulations, ladies! Now letís give our audience a chance to get to know you two better ... starting with you, Miss Anita Margarita. Anita, I understand you had quite the experience when you were a little girl. Why donít you tell us about it?

ANITA MARGARITA:
Iíd be happy to, Pat! When I was 10 years old, my mother and I escaped from Cuba to seek a better life here in the United States. Sadly, our boat sank and my mother drowned. I was rescued by a group of fishermen and then raised by my relatives who were already living in Miami at the time ...

Suddenly, the THREE COMMANDOS storm the stage.

COMMANDO #1 (barking to the other two COMMANDOS):
Move! Move! Move!! Secure the perimeter!!

The other two commandos take position at either end of the stage, weapons at the ready.

COMMANDO #2:
Iím clear!!

COMMANDO #3:
Clear here!!

COMMANDO #1:
(to ANITA MARGARITA, grabbing hold of her arm) Donít be afraid, maíam! Weíre with the INS! Weíre going to reunite you with your father now!

(to the other two commandos) Okay, Iíve got the kid! Letís go!! Letís go!!

ANITA MARGARITA is in total shock, and protests as she is hurried off-stage by COMMANDO #1. The other two commandos follow closely behind them.

Both PAT MCGROIN and POLLY NOMIAL are stunned. They look around, as though unsure what to do next. After a few tense moments ...

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
Miss Anita Margarita, folks! Give her a big hand!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up.

PAT MCGROIN (to POLLY NOMIAL):
Now letís meet our second finalist, famed mathematician ... Miss Polly Nomial! Polly, I understand that NASA just recently placed you in charge of a very important project.

POLLY NOMIAL:
Thatís right, Pat! After that most unfortunate incident with the Mars Global Surveyor, NASA has commissioned my team to investigate the feasibility of converting English units into metric units!

PAT MCGROIN:
Wow!! That sounds exciting!!

POLLY NOMIAL:
Oh, it is truly a thrill! Weíve put in hundreds of hours into this already, and Iím pleased to say that weíre THIS close to proving that one mile is equivalent to about 1.62 kilometers!!

PAT MCGROIN:
Well, Iím sure NASA will find that information very useful! The best of luck to you and your team! Ladies and gentlemen ... Miss Polly Nomial!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. A stage hand gives PAT MCGROIN an envelope.

PAT MCGROIN:
And now, the moment weíve all been waiting for! Who will MARRY AN ASTRONAUT and become Mrs. BUD LIGHTBEER?!? Before I announce the winner, letís bring our groom back onstage. Bud, come on out here!

Enter BUD LIGHTBEER, who stands off to one side. He and POLLY NOMIAL exchange playful glances. Stage hands "drum-roll" the tables as PAT opens the envelope. Suddenly, a PLEASE STAND BY sign is held up and all action on stage comes to a halt.

ANNOUNCER (from offstage):
Ladies and gentlemen, due to on-going negotiations between this station and the Time-Warner Cable Company, this program can no longer be seen over your cable lines ....

PAT MCGROIN (to the ANNOUNCER):
What?!? But I was just about to announce the name of our winner!! How will the audience find out who will MARRY AN ASTRONAUT???

ANNOUNCER (from offstage):
Fortunately for our viewing audience, this program can still be seen over the regular airwaves, using conventional aerial antennas ...

PAT MCGROIN (to the people offstage):
QUICK!! Someone install some rabbit ears before the audience misses the big announcement!!

Stage hands quickly run up to the Skit Judges and place on their heads a set of rabbit ear antennas. The PLEASE STAND BY sign is removed.

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
Welcome back, folks! As I was saying, the moment weíve all been waiting for!

Stage hands resume the "drum-roll" as PAT MCGROIN quickly reads the card to himself.

PAT MCGROIN (shocked and amazed):
Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing!! The judges have unanimously chosen a write-in contestant! The new Mrs. Bud Lightbeer is ... MISS CONCEPTION!!

Enter MISS CONCEPTION, smiling and giggling. BUD LIGHTBEER is totally in shock and horror and tries to make a run for it. However, MISS CONCEPTION is on top of him before he can get away. MISS CONCEPTION smothers BUD with hugs and kisses. POLLY NOMIAL watches in disbelief and disgust.

PAT MCGROIN takes center stage, while CONCEPTION and BUD continue to struggle in the background.

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
Well folks, thatís the end of our program. Just goes to show you that a girlís dream of becoming an astronautís wife can still come true. From all of us hear at the Surfiní Chili Network, thank you for watching! Good night!!

PAT waves. BUD and CONCEPTION continue to struggle. BUD vainly implores help from the audience.

ANNOUNCER (from offstage):
Tonightís presentation was proudly brought to you by ...

END with a S-U-R-F-I-N rally chant.