2001: A Survivor Anomaly

© 2001 Surfin' Chili


CAST:

PAT MCGROIN (Gabe) Ė The host.

CHAD (Lee) -- The winner of the prize. Heís bare-foot and pregnant, but no one in the cast should acknowledge this fact. A pregnant Chad is purely a sight joke.

C.A.U. or Cockpit Avionics Upgrade (Sally) Ė The runner-up. He actually wins his challenge of revitalizing the aging Shuttle avionics. But despite that and the fact that the crew thinks heís cool, heís booted.

AL GORE (Schikner) -- The 1st booted contestant, because he was unable to successfully launch the Triana satellite. (Actually, it was a tie between him and MIR, until CHAD cast the deciding vote.)

GEORGE ABBEY (LeRoy) -- The 2nd booted contestant, because he couldnít build an International Space Station on time and under budget.

* MIR (Steph) - The 3rd booted contestant, because she couldnít hit the Taco Bell target.

DENNIS TITO (Mike) -- A millionaire who buys his way into the skit. Heís promptly told to stand next to ISS C&C COMPUTER but not to move or touch anything.

* DENNIS TITOíS ENTOURAGE -- A group of people who follow TITO around.

* ISS (Robin) -- TITO fiddles around this character in the background and sends ISS spinning out of control.

* non-speaking part


(The survivors solemnly walk onto the stage. The theme music comes on, with the three opening notes from "2001: A Space Odyssey" and then the opening theme from "Survivor". AL GORE is carrying a suitcase marked with the words "Wash D.C. or Bust". The survivors line up facing the audience, each holding a tiki torch. PAT MCGROIN then enters and stands in front of the survivors.)

PAT MCGROIN (addressing the audience):

Good evening, and welcome to the final installment of 2001: A Survivor Anomaly. Iím Pat McGroin, your host. Over these past few days, our survivors have gone through immense challenges and have endured unbearable ordeals. But tonight, the Tribal Council will decide the fate of the five people behind me. Who will survive ... and who gets voted off JSC Island?!?

After each of our challenges, the Tribal Council votes on who is cast off the island, based on how well each of them faced that challenge. Their first challenge was this ...

(PAT MCGROIN holds up a globe. "2001" theme music is heard in the background.)

PAT MCGROIN:

Each survivor was tasked to launch "Triana", a geosynchronous satellite that could take pictures of the Earth. People could then display those pictures on their computer desktops. In an unprecedented turn of events, the Tribal Councilís vote came out with a tie between Al and Mir ...

AL GORE (interrupts, addressing the audience more than PAT MCGROIN ):

Now, Pat ... Iíve argued, and I will continue to argue, for a fair and accurate and complete count before any decision is made. Let me stress the need to protect the integrity of the process Ö a process which I invented, by the way, just like I invented the Space Program! What is at issue here is nothing less than every American's simple, sacred right to vote ...

PAT MCGROIN (picks up where he was interrupted):

... the vote was a tie, that is, until we realized that we had undercounted Chadís vote.

(to CHAD) Chad, what say you?

(CHAD produces his ballot and unfolds it. It reads "AL". AL GORE is shocked. PAT MCGROIN steps up to AL GORE and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to AL GORE):

Al ... the tribe has spoken.

(AL GORE, still in shock, walks off stage. He leaves behind his suitcase.)

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):

The second challenge the survivors faced was to build an international space station, on time and under budget ... truly a daunting task, which none of them successfully completed. But the alliances that were made among the survivors took their toll here.

(PAT MCGROIN steps up to GEORGE ABBEY and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to GEORGE ABBEY):

George ... the tribe has spoken.

(PAT MCGROIN hands GEORGE ABBEY two items: a book and AL GOREís suitcase.)

PAT MCGROIN (to GEORGE ABBEY):

Here, George ... youíll need these.

(GEORGE ABBEY looks confused as he takes the items. He blankly looks at the book as he slowly walks off the stage.)

GEORGE ABBEY (reading the bookís cover):

"Facilitating Cooperation Between International Partners ... For Dummies"

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):

Next, the survivors were to fall out of the sky and hit this ...

(PAT MCGROIN holds up the Taco Bell target. Again, "2001" theme music plays in the background. MCGROIN steps up to MIR.)

PAT MCGROIN (to MIR, disgusted):

Mir, you didnít even come close. AND, when it looked like you were going to instead hit Hainan Island in China, you didn't even demolish the US spy plane like we asked!

(He snuffs out MIRís torch.)

Needless to say, Mir ... the tribe has spoken!

(MIR hangs his head low and walks off stage. Suddenly DENNIS TITO barges onto the stage, totally interrupting the skit.)

DENNIS TITO (to the entire Surfiní Chili Team):

Hi! Iím Dennis Tito, and Iíve made a fortune selling foot-and-mouth vaccines to European farmers. Now, I want the experience of being in a chili cookoff skit. I first approached Wrong Stuff Chili about being in theirs, but that crashed and burned, just like Mir! So, I now want to be in yours ... and Iím willing to pay you $20 million to let me!

(DENNIS TITO holds up a check for $20 million. The entire Surfiní Chili Team is all abuzz. The team huddles up and, after a heated discussion, PAT MCGROIN steps up to TITO and takes the check. MCGROIN then positions TITO beside ISS.)

PAT MCGROIN:

Okay, Dennis ... you can be in our skit. But youíre just going to stand right here and not touch anything! Understood?

DENNIS TITO:

Oui! Oui! I am not afraid!!

(Sight Gag: As the skit continues, DENNIS TITO is seen in the background fiddling around with ISS C&C COMPUTER, which has three buttons on it: CNTL, ALT, and DELETE. Suddenly, ISS goes careening out of control across the stage. TITO, realizing what he has done, quietly inches his way off stage.)

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):

And so Ö only two survivors remain: Chad and CAU. The final challenge they faced was to revitalize the Space Shuttleís aging avionics.

(PAT MCGROIN steps up to CAU and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to CAU):

CAU ... the tribe has spoken.

CAU (vehemently):

WHAT!?!? Wait a minute! I won that challenge! How can you vote me off??? The work Iíve done on the cockpit avionics upgrade will bridge the technical gap that will bring the Space Shuttle out of the 70ís and into the 21st century! Besides, the crews think Iím really cool!! You canít vote me off!!

PAT MCGROIN:

That hasnít stopped Congress before!

(CAU storms off the stage, loudly protesting.)

PAT MCGROIN:

Hey, now Ö donít be a mad cow!

(to CHAD) Well, Chad ... youíve outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted them all! Congratulations!! And now, itís with great pride that I bestow upon you the most coveted and prestigious prize ... !

CHAD (with great anticipation):

A Pontiac Aztec ... ?? A million dollars ... ??

PAT MCGROIN:

No, it's OSHAís VPP Star Rating!!

(PAT MCGROIN hands CHAD the VPP Star certificate. "2001" theme music is once more heard in the background. CHAD looks at the certificate with utter disappointment.)

PAT MCGROIN:

Yes, Chad, you now embody OSHAís high standards for a safe and healthy work environment. You are truly a model for the rest of us! Again, congratulations!!

(to the audience) And so friends, weíve come to the end of 2001: A Survivor Anomaly! But letís remember this: Survivor may make a great TV show, but it makes an awful chili! Letís all go surfing instead!! Good night, folks!

(The entire Surfiní Chili Team leads the crowd in a S-U-R-F-I-N rally chant.}