[playing American Idol theme. Judges on one side of stage; contestants on the other. Anita at center stage.]
Good evening, America. I’m Anita Margarita, and welcome to American Astronaut, where you choose who will be the next American to launch into space. After three amazing performances last night, over 50 million of you called or sent text messages. We’ve tallied your votes, and tonight we’ll find out who goes home and who will become the next American Astronaut!
But first, let’s catch up with our judges. So, give it up, America! Let’s hear it for Sen. John Kerry ... (pause for applause) ... new dad Tom Cruise... (pause for applause) ... and Sir Sean Connery!
ANITA MARGARITA (to Sean Connery)
Sir Sean, welcome to American Astronaut.
Well Anita, once you’ve been knighted by the Queen of England, what higher honor is there than to be a judge on American Astronaut? You should see what I have under my kilt.
No thanks, kilt-boy. (to JOHN KERRY) Sen. Kerry ... it’s good to see you again, sir.
Well, Anita ... after losing the Presidential election, my political career is pretty much over. There’s not much left for me to do except judge over-commercialized talent shows and be the Big Tomato to my Teresa.
ANITA MARGARITA (to TOM CRUISE)
So, Tom ... congrats on the new arrival! How are those two lovely ladies of yours?
(TOM CRUISE suddenly jumps up and down on a chair near the skit judges and starts frantically waving his arms and punching the air.)
I'm in love! I'm in love! I can't be cool! I can't be laid-back! It's something that has happened, and I feel I want to celebrate it! I want to celebrate them! They’re two very special women!
Thanks, Tom, let us know later what kind of crack you’re smoking.
(to the audience) Now, let’s meet our contestants...
Let’s see a bit of what they did on last night’s show. The theme was: THINGS THAT REMIND ME OF MYSELF.
[song plays: Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head by BJ Thompson]
“Light bulbs keep fallin' on my head / But that doesn't mean my cherry picker will stop dead / Cryin's not for me / 'Cause I'm never gonna stop until I hit the structure / Because I'm free / Nothin's worryin' me”
[song plays: Rock You Like a Hurricane by the Scorpions]
Here I am! Rock you like a hurricane! / Here I am! Rock you like a hurricane!
[song plays: Money (That’s What I Want) by Barret Strong]
Money don't get everything it's true. / But what it don't get I can't use. / I need money (that’s… what I want) / that’s what I want (that’s… what I want) / That’s what I waaaaant / that's what I want, ye-ye-yeh (that's what I want).
When we come back, we’ll talk to our contestants. But first, these messages.
(Brokeback Mountain music. ANITA, the judges, and contestants leave the stage as PAT McGROIN and PHIL McCRACKEN take center stage. Both are wearing flight suits. PAT is behind PHIL and has his arms wrapped around him.)
ANNOUNCER (from off-stage)
Grounded in reality, yet soaring high in our imaginations, comes a new tale of boundless love that cannot be put aside in an L. Ron Cupboard or a closet.
(tearfully) I wish I knew how to quit you ...
ANNOUNCER (from off-stage)
Pat McGroin and Phil McCracken in… Brokeback Space Station ... in theaters this November.
[Playing American Idol theme. Pat and Phil leave the stage as Anita, the judges and contestants take center stage. But then, Tom starts after Pat & Phil.]
Hey, um, I need to talk to those Brokeback Space Station guys about something. Hey guys, don’t go in that closet!
Now for what you’ve been waiting almost 5 minutes for … the grand finale. Who will be eliminated, and who will be the next American Astronaut? We’ll tell you… right after these words.
Starting next week, stay tuned to this DVIS loop for some more game shows – “Deal or No Deal” starring the executive board of Enron, “Jeopardy” with Martha Stewart, and “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” with Carole Alvarado and the Mayor Pro Tem’s office.
[playing American Idol theme]
The winner… of the 2006… American Astronaut competition… is…
(Walks on) Attention, attention… we interrupt this broadcast to announce a mandatory evacuation of this part of the stage due to Hurricane Uranus. Not the entire stage area, not the entire Gilruth Center. Do you understand what I’m saying, only evacuate this part of the stage.
[everyone panics and gathers stuff and gets stuck in traffic.]
Oui, oui, I am not afraid!
ANITA MARGARITA (after a short pause)
Well, guys … now that we’re stuck here in traffic with no where to go and nothing to do, l guess it’s time for ….
SURFIN’ CHILI TEAM
T – E – A – M Teeeeeeeeeam Drink! (Tim’s the Devil)
|Anita Margarita (Host)||Lisa Polansky|
|John Kerry (Judge #1)||Tim Bond|
|Sean Connery (Judge #2)||Luke Miles|
|Tom Cruise (Judge #3)||Jose Marmalejo|
|Christianne Armand Bayou (Contestant #1)||Stephanie Walker|
|Tom DeLay (Contestant #2)||Dan|
|Hurricane Rita (Contestant #3)||Sandy Duncan|
|Pat McGroin||Sally Jurgens|
|FEMA Guy||Eric Duncan|