CSI: NASA (Chili Scene Investigation)
Chili cookoff 2008
Announcer: Thanks for watching “Dancing with the Astronauts”. Stay tuned for “CSI: NASA”, in a story ripped from the headlines, here on NASA TV.
[Brief CSI theme music. CSI members enter the office of Mike Coats, JSC center director]
McGroin: Mr. Coats, I’m agent Pat McGroin, and this is Agent Anita Margarita. We’re with CSI, Chili Scene Investigation.
Margarita: We have reports that the polygamist sect whose compound was recently raided in west Texas has been in contact with one or more of the JSC chili cookoff teams. We are conducting an investigation.
McGroin: The cult may have a major effect on the chili cookoff judging. It’s currently too close to call, and may come down to the superdelegates.
Coats: You’re welcome to look around, but with the recent MOD musical chairs reorg we’re not sure where anyone is any more.
McGroin: We need to check out Mission Control. Is it still over in Building 30, or did that get shuffled over to 600 Gemini?
Coats: No, Mission Control is temporarily over at Regents Park until we get it moved back to its permanent location in Bldg 30.
[McGroin and Margarita head to bldg 30]
Guard: Can I see your badges please? Those don’t look like the new HSPD-12 approved badges. See that green stripe? That means it’s valid only on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th Thursdays of the month plus any day when the digits in the day of the month add up to 7. You need the one with the green, yellow, and red tie-dye.
Margarita: We need to get into MCC. Please?
Guard: Oh, OK, then go ahead. Go through these doors, hang a right, go to the second floor, hang a left.
[McGroin and Margarita go to MCC]
PAO: This is Mission Control, Houston. Control of this investigation into the role of a polygamist cult in the chili cookoff, held on the grounds here at the Johnson Space Center annually around this time, has shifted to Houston. Members of CSI: NASA are interviewing those on console supporting the International Space Station’s ongoing mission to boldly go where only 16 Expedition crews have gone before. This is Mission Control, Houston.
Margarita: So who were the flight controllers on console at the time of the raid?
PAO: During the mission, we had Who’s on Flight, What’s on Capcom, I Don’t Know’s on EVA…
McGroin: You’re the PAO, don’t you know the names of the flight controllers?
PAO: I just told you, Who’s on Flight, What’s on Capcom, I Don’t Know’s on EVA.
McGroin: Who’s on Flight?
McGroin: The guy’s name.
McGroin: The guy’s name is Yes?
PAO: No, Who.
McGroin: That’s what I’m asking you. What’s the guy’s name on Flight?
PAO: No, What is the guy’s name on Capcom. Who is on Flight.
McGroin: I Don’t Know.
PAO: Oh, she’s EVA.
Margarita: He’s no help, No wonder there’s no PAO chili cookoff team any more. Let’s talk to someone in Constellation.
PAO: The investigation team has now shifted to the Constellation program. This is Mission Control, Houston.
[McGroin and Margarita go to Cx and as they pass by some people, they’re talking.]
Person 1: … if oil prices get any higher, we’re going to have to start using chili to fuel the Ares rockets.
Person 2: Well, I’ve heard that ______ Chili does give you lots of gas, and ______ Chili is pretty explosive when it comes out, if you know what I mean.
Person 1: At the rate they’re going, we’ll be getting our funding from President Chelsea Clinton before we get any rockets off the ground towards the moon. It’s NASA’s 50th anniversary, we should be celebrating its history, not watching clips on YouTube embedded in some Myspace page.
Person 2: I hear Gallery Furniture wants to buy the naming rights to the Launch Pad at KSC. At least someone is interested in the Constellation program outside of NASA.
[They continue to walk off-stage]
Margarita: You know, Pat, we’re just wandering around aimlessly right now, not getting anything accomplished, like any of the Presidential Candidates when asked about their plans for the future of the space program.
McGroin: Let’s get to the bottom of this. We’re investigating a polygamist cult, this isn’t some lame script thrown together at the last minute by some striking Hollywood writer.
Margarita: Let’s get to the cookoff and collect samples. That’s what all good CSIs do, let’s swab everything!
[At the cookoff]
McGroin: Surfin’ Chili, huh? That sounds pretty subversive and polygamist. Let’s start there. Their booth does resemble a cult compound.
Margarita: There’s no need for alarm, but we’re going to need to take a sample of your chili for DNA testing, and we’ll need hair samples and fingerprints from everyone.
Surfin Chili team captain: Oui, oui, we are not afraid.
[Montage music, people acting all scientific]
Margarita: We have some results. Your chili tested positive for Slime in the Ice Machine, but Marvin Zindler isn’t here anymore to shut you down. We did find a DNA connection between members of your team and the polygamist cult leadership.
McGroin: It seems that for the last 30 years one person has been secretly sneaking off site and fathering children, for the sole purpose of creating a chili cookoff team of his offspring. Though nobody else would know, it would finally allow him to award the Judge’s Choice Award to his children’s team without raising any suspicion.
Surfin Captain: You mean we’re all related? But some of us are married to other team members! I thought only Oklahoma had family trees with no branches! Who’s our father then?
Margarita: None other than…. [dramatic pause]… that man, right over there, MILT HEFLIN!
All: [run over to him] DADDY!
[We ask Daddy to lead us in the T-E-A-M teeeeeeeeeeam DRINK! Cheer]
PAO (Bob Flavius)
CX PERSON 1
CX PERSON 2
SURFIN CHILI TEAM CAPT