X-File 51.6--The Chili Incident

© 1996 Surfin' Chili

[X-Files theme Music]

Narrator: The truth is stranger than fiction, but the truth IS out there. What follows is a story of the strangeness that surrounds us every day.

Mulder: Scully, I'd like you to take a look at something really strange that I came across while surfing the internet the other day.

Scully: Oh come on, Mulder, did you discover the adult section of the web? You can be fired for that.

Mulder: No, nothing like that. See this?

Scully: So? It looks like a chili pepper on a surfboard.

Mulder: Maybe to you, but I recognized it from this: a crop circle formation from Sally Sandwich -- I mean Middlesex, England last year. I found this on a web page for something called "Surfin' Chili", which claims to be a Johnson Space Center chili cookoff team.

Scully: You're not serious, are you?

Mulder: I did a little digging around, and I discovered that all sorts of strange things have been happening at JSC at intervals coinciding with some weird pagan rituals called chili cookoffs.

Scully: What?

Mulder: There are legends of strange visitors from the skies who used to surf the gravitational waves of space who looked like chili peppers.

Scully: Alien chili peppers?

Mulder: Yes. The idea of a chili cookoff is derived from the ancients' worshipping the aliens by eating them to absorb their powers.

Scully: What proof do you have that something strange is going on?

Mulder: Well I've made several calls to JSC, and I've gotten some interesting responses. For instance . . .

[[Phone Rings]]

Mulder: (punches speakerphone) FBI, Mulder

Deep Chili: So, Agent Mulder, I hear you're interested in Surfin' Chili. Well, that's a good start, but you need to dig deeper, if you want to find out the truth.

Mulder: Who is this?

Deep Chili: You can call me . . . . Deep Chili.

Mulder: What's your connection to all of this?

Deep Chili: Never mind, Agent Mulder. Just remember one of the prime rules of investigation. When in doubt, follow the chili, follow the chili . . . .


Mulder: (to Scully) We're going to JSC. To the X-mobile!!!

Chorus: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-X-files!

Narrator: The dynamic duo of FBI agents travel to Houston, home of JSC, and other various strange events.

McGroin: Good afternoon, Pat McGroin.

Scully: Excuse me?

McGroin: Pat McGroin, Special Agent Pat McGroin, attached to JSC. I'll take you over to the chili cookoff.

Scully: We're going to go to the cookoff itself?

McGroin: Yes, it seems that the judges' chili samples have mysteriously vanished.

Mulder: I knew it! Alien abduction!

McGroin: We can't say just yet. We suspect that a team known as Surfin' Chili may be responsible. It seems they were accused of stealing beer kegs a few years ago.

Mulder: You see, Scully? Surfin' Chili again. I knew there was a connection. First crop circles, then disappearing beer kegs, now the chili samples We HAVE to find the link. I KNOW it's here!

Scully: You mentioned other strange happenings. What else can you tell us about the cookoff?

McGroin: Well, you see those guys over there? They're called "The Wrong Stuff". I've always had suspicions about them, and now that the Unabomber is on their team....[make sucking breathing sound]. And their chili is just BAD.

Scully: And what about these guys over here?

McGroin: That team was put into power by the most heinous force of the 20th century: Barney the dinosaur.

Mulder: Who's that?

McGroin: That drag queen over there? He's from Acme Chili. They dressed in drag last year to win the skit and decided they liked it. I hear that one's pregnant with Barney's love child.

[man in drag walks by and poses]

Scully: That's a serious innuendo. Any more weird occurrences?

McGroin: Well, the JSC security guards have started giving out tickets for jaywalking.

Scully: Writing tickets? That's hard to believe. Wait, Mulder, look! It's the Surfin' Chili booth!

Mulder: My God, Scully, you're right! It's an exact duplicate of those crop circles I told you about!

Surfin Chili: Would you like to try some of our world-famous chili and cherry bombs? We're the most popular chili team on the internet. People all over cyberspace have flocked to our home page. JSC -- that stands for Just Surfin' Chili, you know.

McGroin: What do you know of the incident of May 1992, when beer kegs mysteriously vanished and then appeared in buildings 1 and 4? Do you know you are the prime suspects in the recent disappearance of the judges' chili samples?

Surfin' Chili: They're blaming us again! But we told them all about the bright lights and the aliens moving the kegs the first time. [offstage: Oui oui, I'm not afraid!] Oh God! it's happening again, it's happening again! (collapses into fetal position)

Mulder: Bright lights? Aliens? Of course! The Zeta Reticulans!

Scully: Zeta Reticulans? What are you talking about?

Mulder: The Zeta Reticulans are aliens who are also responsible for all the cattle mutilations and keg drainings out in the desert. Somehow they've infiltrated JSC!

Deep Chili: (voice from above that only Mulder hears) Follow the chili, Agent Mulder, follow the chili....

Mulder: Wait! Who are you?

McGroin: Who are you talking to?

Mulder: We have to find those missing judges' samples, or the whole cookoff will be in jeopardy. We need to blow the lid off this alien conspiracy!

Scully: McGroin, are there any differences in this cookoff from past cookoffs?

McGroin: Hmmm. This is the first year for USA. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Mulder: "USA"?

McGroin: United Space Alliance.

All: United Space Alliance-- Hail to the Alliance! (all salute)

Mulder: United Alliance... isn't that redundant?

Scully: No, it's just saying the same thing twice.

Mulder: Of course! The Alliance! They're an all-devouring multinational conglomerate bent upon the absorption and control of everyone and everything. First the space program, then the government, then the world! Their motto is "Conquer and control... for a better tomorrow."

Deep Chili: (appears) You've found the real culprit. USA wanted to take over the chili cookoff, then the space program, then the world.

Scully: But how would that affect what's been happening here every year?

Deep Chili: Every year people act irrationally, psychotically, or delusional because the Merging Aerospace and Defense Contractors Out of Work syndrome.

Mulder: That's M-A-D-C-O-W? [hold up prop]

Deep Chili: Yes, that's right, they're all suffering from MAD COW disease.

McGroin: Well, is there any hope for these poor, broken down, delusional aerospace employees?

Deep Chili: Only one thing. Like I said earlier: follow the chili. The only cure is massive infusions of Surfin Chili. (walks away, handing Mulder a piece of paper)

Scully: Mulder, who was that?

Mulder: An old friend of the space program who left a few years ago. His name and reputation are legendary. Deep Chili is none other than... Gene Kranz.

All: We're not worthy, we're not worthy!

McGroin: What does the paper say?

Mulder: It appears to be a cheer of some kind. T-E-A-M teeeeeeaaaam Drink!

(all sing, to the tune of "Surfin' USA" by the Beach Boys)
If everybody had an ocean,
Across the USA
Then everybody'd eat Surfin',
Surfin' Chili I say.
We'll all be gone for the summer
If we're furloughed today,
So don't forget to vote Surfin'....
Surfin' [hold up sign] USA [hold up sign]

cast (in order of appearance):

Narrator: Chris Niemann
Mulder: Jeff Schickner
Scully: Sally Jurgens
Deep Chili: Brad Sharp
Pat McGroin: Michael Grabois
Unabomber: Jose Lozano
Man in drag: Mark Fleming
Surfin' Chili: Roje Yap

Comments? Suggestions? Send 'em to me at WizardImps@hotmail.com

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Last updated: August 7, 2000