CHRISTIANE (seated behind a news desk)
Good afternoon. Here are the latest developments in Operation: Chili Freedom. For 25 years, a corrupt regime has terrorized the JSC Chili Cookoff. Why else hasn’t Surfin’ Chili won the best chili trophy in over a decade?!? Well, that regime is rapidly coming to an end. We take you now to CNN correspondent Elvis Rivera, somewhere in Clear Lake. Elvis, can you tell us your status?
ELVIS (standing before a dry erase board)
Yes, Christiane. As you said, I’m embedded with the 3rd Surfing Division in Clear Lake. Let me draw you a map to give you a better idea of where we are.
We started out early this morning from Ellington Air Field and have been making our way slowly down Highway 3 towards the Johnson Space Center ...
CHRISTIANE
We’re sorry. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. And Elvis has left the building!
Earlier today, the 69th Surfing Division took control of Ellington Air Field with little resistance from the Aircraft Operations cookoff team. Witnesses say they dropped their bowls and spoons, took off their team uniforms, and blended in with the population. We have a recording of what the Public Affairs Officer, Edith McRotch, had to say about these events. We would have brought this to you live, but our email server was down.
EDITH
We have driven them back. Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Ellington Airport. The force that was in the airport ... this force was destroyed. The Surfin’ Chili ... they are wild donkeys.
CHRISTIANE
Obviously, Edith McRotch is really hanging her butt out on a limb trying to hide the grim reality of their situation.
In other developments, elements from Surfin’ Chili have broken through the gates at JSC and are parading around the JSC campus in a show of strength. Chili cookoff participants, celebrating their liberation from the evil regime, have taken to the streets in jubilant song and dance.
CHRISTIANE (receives a piece of paper from a stage hand)
Wait ... this just in. CNN correspondent Pat McGroin is with the Chili Information Minister, live in an exclusive interview! We take you there now. Pat ... ?
PAT
Mr. Minister, what’s your reaction to today’s events?
CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
The JSC Chili Cookoff leadership will not be defeated. We have already achieved victory, apart from some technicalities. There are NO Surfin’ Chili infidels on the grounds of JSC. Never! I blame Al-Jazeera! They are marketing for these Surfin’ Chili donkeys.
PAT
Al-Jazeera is reporting that Surfin’ Chili is driving their vehicles through the new security barricades. Apparently, this is less damaging than to drive over the retractable gates. Can you confirm this?
CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
Do not repeat the lies of liars.
Do not become like them. They're not even within 100 miles of the Gilruth Center. They are not in any place. They hold no place in NASA. I triple guarantee you, there are no Surfin Chili members at JSC.
PAT
How have you confronted Surfin’ Chili?
CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
We made them eat Buzzard’s Breath Chili last night and this gave Surfin’ Chili a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.
PAT
Are you afraid that Surfin’ Chili might win this year?
CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
Oui, oui! I am not afraid and neither should you be! The Surfin’ Chili propaganda is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!
I now inform you that you are too far from reality. Surfin’ Chili is not worth an old shoe.
PAT
But can’t you see the Surfin’ Chili booth right over there? (points to it)
CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
They are not at the Gilruth Center. They are not in control of any airport. I tell you this. It is all a lie. They lie. It is a Hollywood movie. You do not believe them. Have you not seen the movie “Wag the Dog”? I have said enough! This interview is over!
CHRISTIANE
Pat, is the JSC Chili Information Minister totally insane?!? Anyone can see that Surfin’ Chili remains a huge threat this year. With the Mother of All Cherry Bombs and the GPS-guided Jello shot launchers, it’s clear this conflict will be over soon.
PAT
That’s right, Christiane. I think my colleagues with the 3rd Surfing Division put it best – Surfin Chili is the team to beat this year.
3RD SURFING DIVISION
T – E – A – M Teeeeeeeeeam Drink! (Tim’s the Devil)
- - The End - -
LOGISTICS
Cast, in order of appearance:
Announcer** |   |
Christiane Armand-Bayou** | Stephanie Walker |
Elvis Rivera** |   |
M.P.’s (3) |   |
Edith McRotch** | Sally Jurgens |
Pat McGroin** | Roje Yap |
Chili Information Minister** | Michael Grabois |
Backup Singers |   |
** speaking part |
Props:
1. Edith’s butt skirt
2. Dry erase board w/ easel
3. M.P. arm bands (3)
4. Black beret
5. Surfin’ Chili Dude
6. “Recorded Earlier” sign
7. “Live” sign
8. “CNN” sign
9. T.V. set mask